उम्र के तीसवें दशक की आत्म-व्यथा

कुछ रोज़ पहले लेखक ने अपना चालीसवाँ जनमदिन मनाया था या यूँ कहें कि 39 सावन भादों और बसंत पूरे कर लिये| पिछले कुछ सालों की तरह इस साल भी दिन गहमागहमी भरा रहा, सभी प्रकार के संचार माध्यमों फ़ोन, मेसेज, फ़ेसबुक, ईमेल से दिन भर बधाइयों का ताँता लगा रहा, बहुत से चाहने वालों और कुछ ना चाहने वालों ने भी अपने बधाई संदेश भेजे| सूचना क्रांति के इस दौर में ये कुछ आवश्यकता से अधिक आसान जो हो गया है| खैर साहब, और साहिबाएँ भी, अब इस सब से इतर, मुद्दे पर आते हैं| दिन के अंत मे लेखक के लिये जो राहत की बात थी वो यह की उसके जीवन का तीसवां दशक समाप्त हो गया है, वह चालीसवें का आरंभ कर रहा है और अगले साल वो शान से "नॉटी अट फॉर्टी" क्लब की सदस्यता ग्रहण कर लेगा|

स्वाभाविक है कि आपके मन मे ये प्रशन आ गया होगा कि उम्र बढ़ने पर भी ऐसा संतोष और सुख, वो भी बात जब एक दशक के बदलाव की हो! एक ओर दुनिया उम्र कम दिखने (कम तो नही कर सकते) भर के लिये अपनी तनख़्वाह से अधिक खर्च कर रही है, बाबा से लेकर बेबी तक सब प्रयासरत हैं, कि आख़िर, कैसे कम उम्र दिखा जाये, और यह मानस है कि चालिसवें की शुरुआत भर से फूला नही समा रहा| अब मैं आपको अपनी वो व्यथा प्रस्तुत करता हूँ, जो मैने पिछले 10 सालों मे अनुभव की है| मुझे लगता है कि कमोबेश अनुभव सभी का थोड़ा कम या ज़्यादा ऐसा ही रहा होगा, परंतु शायद किसी ने अभिव्यक्त ना किया हो, कम से कम मेरे सीमित ज्ञान क्षेत्र में तो नही ही आया है| अमूमन, हमारे देश में 30 की उम्र तक आपका विवाह हो चुका होता है, ना ना आप नही चुके होते, विवाह हो चुका होता है| कुछ लोग अपनी सामर्थ्य अनुसार देश के जनसंख्या मिशन में अपना बहुमूल्य योगदान भी दे चुके होते हैं| जाहिर सी बात है कि आप बाज़ार, मॉल, ऑफिस या कहीं भी वो "एलिजिबल बॅचलर" की श्रेणी से बाहर आ चुके होते हैं, अविवाहित है भी तो, "एलिजिबल" शब्द आगे से हट गया होता है| कल तक भैया कहने वाली कन्याएँ अब अंकल कहने लगी हैं और इन कन्याओं का आयु वर्ग जो अभी तक 12 तक सीमित था, वो 21 या उससे भी आगे चला गया है| कहने को आप मात्र 10 साल बड़े हैं और मज़े की बात ये है कि 12 - 21 वाली इन कन्याओं के पिता भी चालिसवें में होते हैं, परंतु आप उनको अंकल नही कह सकते, क्या साहब, फ़र्क़ तो यहाँ भी उतना ही है, तो फिर हमारे साथ ही ऐसे दोहरे मापदंड क्यों? बात लड़कों की करें तो 20 - 22 के लड़के जो कल तक पार्क में साथ ज़ोर आज़माइश करते थे, वो भी अब अंकल कहने लगे हैं| कहते है अंकल अब आप वॉक किया करो| जो हम उम्र थी या थे, वो सब रिश्ते बनाने में अधिक विश्वास करने लगे है, मिलते ही कहते है, चाचा को प्रणाम करो, मामा के पैर छू लो, फलाँ फलाँ|

ऐसा नही कि ये भेदभाव और दोहरे मापदंड आपके निजी जीवन तक ही सीमित हो, आपके कार्य क्षेत्र में भी स्तिथि कुछ ज़्यादा भिन्न नही होती| आप कुछ 10 से 15 सालों का अनुभव लेकर, "दी ग्रेट इंडियन मिड्ल क्लास" के जैसे, मिड्ल मॅनेज्मेंट के आस पास होते हैं| आपको "सर" कहने वालों की संख्या थोड़ी बढ़ गयी होती है| आपके कनिष्ठ (जूनियर) अब आप से थोड़ी दूरी बनाने लगे है और मलाल इस बात का है कि ऑफिस का सबसे रंगीन हिस्सा यही होता है| बात बात मे पार्टी, फिल्म का कार्यक्रम, वीकेंड मे मस्ती, ये सब यहीं होता है, परंतु अब आपको ऐसे निमंत्रण कम ही मिलते है| और जनाब बात आपके वरिष्ठों (सीनियर्स) की करे तो वहाँ आप खुद सहज महसूस नही करते, यहाँ भी निमंत्रण कम ही मिलते है, मिलते भी है तो सारा समय सर सर कहने मे निकल जाता है| लगे हाथ आपके आयु वर्ग के साथियों की भी कर ले तो वो सभी आपके जैसे, डॉक्टर, स्कूल, दाल - चावल की खरीददारी और घर गृहस्थी की ज़िम्मेदारियों में व्यस्त हैं|

इस दौर मे एक बहुत महत्वपूर्ण बात होती है, ये वो समय होता है जब आपके बाल या तो आपका साथ छोड़ना आरंभ करते है या उनका रंग साथ छोड़ रहा होता है| ये तथ्य उपर कही सभी परिस्तिथियो मे निर्णायक प्रभाव रखता है, इसीलिये इसको विशेष स्थान दिया है|

अब अपनी भावनाओं की अभिव्यक्ति को विराम  देते हुए, बस यही कहूँगा की पूरी कहानी का मजमून / पूरे प्रसंग का निष्कर्ष यही है कि उम्र का तीसवाँ दशक तिरस्कार और व्यथा से भरा होता है| कदम कदम पर आपको दोहरे मापदंडो से दो चार होना पड़ता है, चाहे अनचाहे अपमान के घूँट भी पीने पड़ते है| एक ऐसा दौर जब आप थोड़ा असामाजिक होना पसंद करते हैं| परंतु बढ़ती उम्र और समाज का व्यवहार आपको यथार्थ के धरातल पर ले ही आता है| "बीती ताहि बिसार दे, आगे की सुधि लेय", अब इस पंक्ति का आश्र्य लेते हुए समाप्त करता हूँ और चालिसवें दशक के सुखद स्वपनों मे लीन होता हूँ|

Hard Rock Café to be declared a Tourist Destination in India

 

Officials of Ministry of Tourism for Government of India yesterday went into a state of shock, when they received a letter from owner of Hard Rock Café (HRC) outlet located in Cyber Hub, Gurgaon. As per the not so official spokesperson from Ministry, HRC has requested to declare the HRC outlet at Gurgaon as Tourist Destination rather than a regular café or pub. The reasons given by revealed some shocking facts and interesting statistics. Actually, this all happened, when on one fine day, the hospitality manager at the outlet, Ciggy Sharma, was having regular dope dose of tobacco outside the café, he noticed, total 18 people in three different groups came there, got a picture clicked in front of the outer wall where the logo of HRC is displayed but none of them went inside the café. He also observed that immediately after clicking the picture, they all got into their smart phones, probably, updating their FB check in and showing the world that they are at HRC.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He immediately brought this to the notice of his seniors. HRC management went into a huddle and immediately called consultants from BIG 4 consulting companies, whose offices are located in the same premise as HRC. To their surprise the partner and senior managers of consulting companies who are regular at HRC, told that they themselves have observed many times, that their employees often show their check-in at HRC, though in actual they are spending late evenings on editing the 5 year old presentation for the company profile. HRC got a study done and after some serious number crunching, data analysis and rounds of power point presentations, they received some seriously shocking revelations.

• For every 1 guest coming INSIDE the HRC, there are almost 2.25 check-ins on social media.
• On an average, the HRC sales revenue will also increase by more than 2 times, if these virtual check-ins materialize into actual ones.
• Accepting the fact that these are virtual and will remain virtual, if they start charging a fee for every photo clicked with their logo on outside wall, HRC’s profits will take a huge jump.
• The sales revenue will shoot up further if they can charge for every check-in on social media unless it is supported by the actual bill number with check-in status.

HRC officials, have sent their request through letter and they are preparing a detailed presentation to the Ministry of Tourism as well as Ministry of Culture. HRC is also planning to conduct similar studies for their other outlets in India, and if the results are encouraging, they may consider it doing for other countries, although the initial feelers are  that this phenomenon may not yield desired results outside India.

 

 

 

AK-14 Vs NaMo Vs RaGa Debate (In alphabetical Order only)

Okay, Arnab has poured in 100 Kg, Barkha has poured 50 Kg, Deepak Chaurasiya has thrown 10 Kg, Ashutosh has consumed his quota, so he moved on to the other side and rest all are continuing with their share of words on three probable PM candidates and the possibilities of government formation with 16^th Lok Sabha. Hence, I thought, let me also put my meagre 100 gms in the ongoing debate.

We know the supporters of respective candidates have their calculations and/or opinion polls ready for their claims. So, let’s assume, one of these Gentleman would be the next PM of India, irrespective of whatever they are going to dish out in their manifestos such as good governance, corruption free India or Tarakki (progress) for everyone, what else is going to change in our beloved country, India. We all know, how good our leaders are in fulfilling their promises and claims made in election manifestos be it for an Aam Aadami or Khas Aadami.

Let’s assume whosoever is elected and selected (considering the compulsions of coalition politics) and fortunately for our country’s sake, fulfil his promises. But, will it make any change on our society in terms of how judgmental we are, how quickly we make opinion about things and our all-time favourite, issuing character certificates based on shallow assumptions. We easily say, due to poor law enforcement, more rapes are happening and we went to the extent of naming our national capital as “Rape Capital”. In a society where age of victim as well as rapist is not a criteria (we have victim of the age of 1 year to rapist in the age of 70+), how much covered or exposed the female is not a criteria for rapist to select their victims.

We talk of corruption in government offices, but isn’t corruption equally rampant in private sector, within the organizations, there are people who misuse their power and resources but since no RTI is applicable there, hence it is easily swept under the carpet. So why, single out the corruption of a police constable or Municipal Corporation’s clerk. There are enumerable cases of sexual assault and corruption in private sector organizations, but majority of them are either unnoticed or cleared of with some mild punishment, as it happened recently in the case of Great Crusader of female rights, Tarun Tejpal. Here again, the corruption is at all levels, and the logic that lesser wages (defense argument for government sector) is also defied here since most of the private sector executives are better paid than their counterparts in government sector.

Last but not the least and the longer point I would like to highlight is that will you:

• stop breaking traffic rules or
• stop the practice of big fat Indian wedding (That money can be used for noble causes and huge wastage can be controlled) or
• start following all procedures in public places or
• start treating woman as a woman rather than a sex machine or dishes served in a buffet (as described by the Greatest singer/composer/lyricist SHRI SHRI YO YO HONEY SINGHJI MAHARAJ in his song Pajama Party)
• start behaving as an Indian rather than being racist to citizens of our own country or let me put other way that stop treating humans as humans rather than Marathi/Biharis/Mallus/Idli-Dosa/Roshogulla/Punjabi/Chowmein or Hubshis (slang used for people from African countries – used by an elected representative of Delhi). ENOUGH!

if the next PM of our country is of your choice.

We Indians are very bad at following rules or let me put it other way, we get a sense of achievement when we break a rule of law. We follow rules only if there is a monetary penalty for not following it. So, idea behind my 100 gms, is that first we need to learn self-discipline, behave like a better human being, a responsible citizen, before aligning ourselves politically and starting the cacophony in favour of our respective choices. Our lack of awareness, disrespect for law and I AM ALWAYS RIGHT attitude has forced us in present state. We allowed them to misuse ourselves for our petty objectives, we gave them power and naturally if we are giving power without accountability, corruption is going to flourish. 

No doubt, we are a democratic country and we have every right to incline ourselves politically and to even express it (limited beauty of our democracy). But, also need to understand responsibility before right (it follows the same sequence in dictionary too). Our political inclinations must be after the national and human priorities. Citizens from the countries which boast of stable political system and less corrupt governance performs really well on above issues or may be other way round, take a cue from them, Mitron J.

P. S: Hope my 100 grams weren’t too heavy on you and apologies for mentioning the racist words used in common language to put my point. 

Bidding Adieu – My Love!!!

“Eat Cricket, Sleep Cricket – Drink Only Coca Cola”, this punch line was introduced by this cola giant in 1998, featuring some of most coveted Indian cricketers of that era in their advertisement. Like most of the Indians and as a young boy I have lived my life like that punch line. Doing anything for cricket, sleeping late to catch live telecast of matches from South Africa (Day/Night) and West Indies, getting up in wee hours for matches from Australia and Newzeland, bunking classes, getting punishments from parents, watching matches in mute mode so that they don’t come to know, driving at crazy speeds to reach home to get that classic stroke or master delivery from my heroes, remembering stats about cricket better than the formulae in maths and physics and once I covered a distance of 6 Km on my feet as there was no other transportation mode available on that particular day for some weird reasons.

I am one of those person, whose wife considers cricket as her only “SOUTEN” and claims that if she would be on death bed and there is a cricket match, my husband would definitely ask Yamraj to wait till the last bowl is bowled or may be presentation is over. She believes, I would spare the post match analysis, fingers crossed! Another tall claim by her is that she can easily serve non-veg meal to her strictly vegetarian husband during a cricket match without even being noticed. Basically, all your sins are forgiven if you make them during a cricket match. I can write pages and pages to describe my passion for the game and I am sure there are millions like me in India.

But off late, she has started making lesser sins, not that she visited Bodhi Tree and got enlightened with Lord Buddha and even started believing that I would take care of Yamraj even during a cricket match. So, what are the reasons for her to be so happy and considering that her husband is committed only to her and not some damn Souten. First, she should be thankful to the likes of Pawars / Srinivasans / Shuklas / Jaitleys / Modis (Lalit Not Narendra, otherwise I would be called communal and who knows put behind the bars for disturbing the communal harmony), for turning my beloved Cricket as a Draupadi and using / misusing / abusing it like anything for their vested interests. Oops, did I mentioned that they took all the grace, elegance and that Gentleman spirit away from the game with the advent of Indian Party League (IPL). Secondly, the retirement of greats like Dravid, Laxman, Dada, Kumble, Srinath and Sachin (almost), this has definitely taken away all the charm, class and passion attached to the game. This has happened not only on Indian scenario but worldwide as well with departure of greats like Akram, Waugh, Jaysuriya, Warne, Ponting, McGrath, Murali, Lara and many others, all hanging their boots in last few years.

Some may argue that this change of guard is a routine thing and it happens periodically every 10-15 years. But, I didn’t felt the same way when Gavaskar, Vengsarkar, Kapil Paaji or the foreign greats like Richards, Greenidge-Haynes, Walsh, Ambrose, Border, Gooch, Gower, Martin Crowe, Imran, retired from the game, somehow their replacements showed signs of greatness very early. Their successors were moulded in the same frame as their predecessors were which unfortunately I cannot say about the current successors. The likes of Dhonis / Kohlis / Ashwins etc, are not able to get the same respect and affection from across the country, across genders and across age group of 8 – 80. They have followers in compartments may be due to this club league like culture or simply they don’t fit the bill. In my opinion, both the factors are responsible. But for the second reason to be true, first one is responsible.

I am writing this, absolutely for the reason, I mentioned in the title of this post. It was my first love and I did everything possible legal and sometimes illegal to catch those passionate fights between bat and ball irrespective of the teams and format of the game. But in last 4-5 years, I have curtailed my cricket watching by almost 99%. IPL is a complete NO, CLT20 – I don’t even know the names of the teams, this year I didn’t even followed Champions Trophy which India finally won and we were favourites too. There is too much of it and as an old saying, too much of everything is bad. It kills the enthusiasm, the thrill and the emotions attached to it.

However, its not easy to forget your first love and that flame always keeps on burning in some silent corner of your heart, I still don’t miss any chance to watch recordings of old matches, thanks to youtube, where I can even choose the specific moments, I want to watch.

I presume that those who are in sync with thoughts in this post, would definitely be praying for success of players like Pujara / Cook, who still infuse some old world charm in their strokeplay which one loves to enjoy on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Rahul Dravid has mentioned in one of his recent oration, that T20 should be promoted as it ensures the entertainment element in game and is getting more importance in this “2 Minute Noodle” era but not at the cost of longer versions. Matches between national sides is fine, but this league format is simply killing the game and the unfortunate part is that administrators of our country are the root cause for this, other Boards have also started feeling the heat except countries like England where the main focus is still longer versions and minimal focus on T20. I sincerely wish that some sense prevails and this mad rush is aborted.

Meanwhile, the only silver lining is that my wife has stopped thinking of serving me chicken and started feeling that her Souten is past her prime so she is getting the undisturbed attention from someone who used to Eat Cricket, Sleep Cricket and sorry Coke Lovers, Drink Cricket as well and wait one thing even the ad company missed for them, I used to BREATHE CRICKET. 

Angrezi iz a Phunny Bhasha

We as an average Indian have a “dangerous” fascination with English language; after all we’re ruled by the owners of the language for more than 200 years. We proudly carry the idea of only English speaking are learned, well mannered Gentlemen/Ladies, which was ingrained in our psyche long before the independence. Except from British or Gora Sahabs, a significant credit must be given to lot of our so called posh and elite freedom fighters and the most important clan of modern Indian history (fortunately or unfortunately).

Anyway, a lot has been written and said about this and I leave that to more elite and literate writers/speakers. My objective here is to highlight some of the funny pieces from English language or misuse/mistakes of the same, which I have picked up during my extensive travels (Thanks to my profession) across the country. Source of most of these titles or one liners are sign boards, behind vehicles, menus at restaurants or some information boards in public places. 

Disclaimer – All these wordings have been picked from real life sources without any creative input of yours truly and its just a compilation with an intent to trickle your funny bone. I have no intention to hurt any caste, creed, region, religion, beep (read sex) or political party. Kindly take it in a spirit of fun and if you can’t bear with this, so what, kyunki, “Yaa toh aise hi chaalegi” (A common line on vehicles especially in North India, highlighting the arrogance of vehicle owner about his “DECENT and RULE BOOK based DRIVING SKILLS). I mentioned North India only – since I can’t read any other language, I am sure there must be similar versions across the country.

So here I start the literary master pieces:

Category 1 - Behind Vehicles

·         Guts and girls are for Jats

·         Gujjar – Name hi kaafi hai

·         I am innocent but......Gujjar

·         Use Diaper at Night

·         Hum 2 Hamare 2 – Pinky, Tinki, Shanky, Sweety, Honey te Bablu di Gaddi

Category 2 – Restaurant’s Menu

·         Akkha Nodal

·         Tamatar Kaun Soup

·         Chinese Bhel

·         Stupp Tomato

·         Veg Chowming (Courtesy Deepten Chatterjee)

Category 3 – Sign Boards

·         English Speakana Seekhen (somewhere in Gurgaon)

·         Arms and Legs Waxine (outside a beauty parlour in Ghaziabad)

·         Child Beer (Commonly seen)

·         English Wine and Beer Shop – yes there is nothing wrong in this. But once I was travelling with a British, he was surprised to see such boards everywhere because he said there is no such thing as English Wine or English Beer and also, most of them hardly sell Wine.

·         The masterpiece - Chast of Droz (Outside a Furniture Shop on MG Road)

·         And finally as they say, a picture speaks thousand words (at a wedding in Delhi)

So, hope you enjoyed reading these and there are many more, not publishing them all to keep it to a readable length. No wonder Big B said in Namak Halal, “English is a very phunny language”. It might not be true, but we do make it a more interesting and exciting one with our own adaptations or unintentional mistakes.

Yours Truly

A Proud Hindustani

Are we setting a right example?

Recently I attended the annual day at my son’s school, he has just been promoted to class 1 from prep and the school is one of the most prestigious schools of India. We missed it last year, so we have every reason to be ecstatic and enthusiastic about it and it became more emotional because our son was also performing a part in the performances on stage.

As we all know, these days every presentation, meeting, public gathering starts with one standard line, that, “kindly switch off your mobile phones or put them on silent/vibration mode”. So, this was not an exception, with teachers requesting for the same. Additionally, “rightly” sensing the enthusiasm of parents about performance of their wards, the anchor for the event and Head Mistress of school requested parents to not click photographs or shoot any videos during the performance, for the two genuine reasons, one not obstructing the view of fellow parents and two not to distract the little kids performing on stage. They shouted at the peak of their volume, that, everyone will receive a copy of the photograph and DVD of the entire event, so please (read it thrice) don’t use cameras.

Any guess on behaviour of parents about this announcement, forget keeping the mobile on silent/vibrate mode (the lady behind us, received one and made two calls on her SMARTPHONE, discussing the issues she was having with her mother, apologies for overhearing them rather forced to hear those, none of those issues sounded so urgent to be discussed in the middle of this event).

Anyway, as soon as the performances started, a good number of parents brought out their fancy gazettes ranging from smartphones, handycams, compact cameras and to top it all, their tablets and iPads, blocking the view of many rows behind them. This all was happening despite reminders from teachers. So where are we heading, what does it demonstrate? I know we love breaking rules, declining requests made to ensure everyone’s comfort at public events and more importantly flashing our prized possessions mostly the latest technological advancements called mobile phone/tablet. In this case, my concern is not that I could not had a uninterrupted view of the lovely performances by those tenders kids or I missed the view of my son performing those little steps or I don’t appreciate people having those latest gizmos, my concern is that we should not crib in future if the our kids are not following are instructions or not listening to us. We should not discuss the lawlessness of society, which is rampant even today. Imagine the situation, when these kids would grow up watching the parents flouting every rule, disrespecting any request made to honour comfort of others in public places. We expect our young kids to follow the instructions of their teachers but we (most of us) ourselves are not willing to do the same, though we are supposed to be grown ups, more matured and wise types.

Another problem which I am witnessing these days is a sense of disrespect from kids towards the people belonging to lower strata of our society, they are part of our daily lives in the form of servants/maids, security guards, waiters, attendants at the malls etc etc. But somehow, the younger generations are reluctant to accept them as a normal human being or they have some kind of superiority complex for reasons which are beyond understanding of my grey cells. This again comes from my own experience and from people around me.

Talking about behavioural problems and life style disease of our kids is the most common topic among our peers, be it our colleagues, neighbours or relatives. But, it’s high time we scrutinize our deeds before piling on all the blame to TV or immature kids or the most favourite culprit, Westernization. We as a society, are not doing enough to ensure that our kids grow up in a safe, pollution free and disciplined society, though we are supposed to do so and be the role models for our kids, at least if not all. As a parent of two kids and as a responsible citizen of a “free” country, I strongly feel that we should not make any further delay in accepting our responsibilities, before blaming system or others. Before asking for your right, just think what you are giving as a moral duty. If you can’t act rationally to everyone’s benefit, then don’t make yourself entitled for the privileged treatment from others. We as an individual can bring significant changes in society with our small actions; we don’t need big jargons or any messiah to teach us many things. We were brought to this world by our parents, the present is a mix of primarily what our parents have build and to an extent what we are doing. So the future for our kids would be outcome of our actions mainly. 

Forget everything; just think about the environment or society we are preparing for our kids.